| Author | Message | ||
| Carol Sanger
New member Username: carolsang Post Number: 35 Registered: 01-2006 |
M- It's amazing how the poem opens itself up to a fresh look from tired eyes when you rearranged the stanzas! Thank you. I decided to end as everyone astutely suggested on the wet kiss, ditto the first line and collapsed the middle two stanzas. I very much appreciate you Lazarus, Zephyr and Dorothy. There really was such a tree. Carol REVISED He alone dared to want her and he extended his arm, his branch, not once, not twice, but limb after limb, storm after storm until jagged stumps covered his water-side. As they wait for the next storm together the one that will topple him like the old lover he is, he yearns again and reaches with a long branch into her deep water into her secret. When the tip of his greening arm breaks for air, she smiles and pulls him low again, kissing him wet. ORIGINAL He dared. Only he dared. He alone dared to want her and he extended his arm, his branch, not once, not twice, but limb after limb, storm after storm until jagged stumps covered his water-side. Now he yearns again and reaches out with a long branch into her deep water into her secret. When the tip of his greening arm breaks for air, she smiles and pulls him low again, kissing him wet. They wait for the next storm together the one that will topple him like the old lover he is into her embrace. (Message edited by carolsang on January 22, 2006) | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 872 Registered: 10-2005 |
Oh...beautiful! This is marvelous! I'm not sure you need the first two lines. Perhaps start with 'He alone dared to want her' a powerful sensual statement if ever there was one. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3707 Registered: 07-2003 |
Carol,agree with Laz about first line, love the simplicity and original angle taken here,beautiful, well done.  | ||
| Dorothy Doyle Mienko
Advanced Member Username: dorothea Post Number: 89 Registered: 04-2003 |
a great place to end this poem is here on this line: kissing him wet. I agree about the first line being removed and I would too take off the word out the word "reaches" already says that very thing. lovely poem- very finely written<: "ask the gods nothing excessive" | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6409 Registered: 11-1998 |
I'm in agreement with those who suggested clipping the first line, Carol. "He alone dared to want her" makes for a stronger start and the repetition is dragging instead of powerful. I also agree with Dorothy about how this poem should end. Perhaps a rearrangement of verses? He alone dared to want her and he extended his arm, not once, not twice, but limb after limb, storm after storm until jagged stumps covered his water-side. They wait for the next storm together the one that will topple him like the old lover he is into her embrace. He yearns again and reaches out with a long branch into her deep water into her secret. When the tip of his greening arm breaks for air, she smiles and pulls him low again, kissing him wet. I will leave you to decide if this order is an improvement or not, but I think "kissing him wet" is a stellar last line. | ||
| Charlotte Fairley
New member Username: fair Post Number: 38 Registered: 12-2005 |
Carol, a really inspired revision. You have really nailed it. The imagery is natural, and the personification very subtle. I really liked it and enjoyed the read. Fair | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2553 Registered: 08-2003 |
Carol! A superb rewrite. We may not have to return to San Miguel afterall! You see we're too good here (but then who wants to pass up another dinner with Leroy, Nancy, Diana and company E | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3845 Registered: 07-2002 |
Carol--brilliant! The revision is spot on. Well done. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog |
